The Big Bang Theory Season Three: Sheldon Speak
“You know me to be a very smart man. Don’t you think if I were wrong I’d know it?”
“There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.”
“If outside is so good why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?”
“Most of the things I plan to buy haven’t been invented yet.”
“I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.”
Sheldon also continues to not understand culture expressions during the third season. When called “chicken” by colleague Howard Wolowitz, for instance, he replies, “I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not by nature at all timid. In fact when I was young, my neighbor’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.”
In another episode, next door neighbor Penny asks, “How have you been?” Sheldon responds, “My existence is a continuum so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period,”
And when roommate Leonard Hofstadter utters the expression, “The more the merrier,” his roommate quickly disagrees. “That’s a false equivalency,” Sheldon corrects. “More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.”
Sheldon was raised in East Texas by an alcoholic father and Bible-thumping mother. Despite such upbringings, however, he is not someone who could be classified as a “typical Texan” and makes numerous comments during the third season regarding his home state.
“Yiddish was not spoken in East Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long.”
“Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, pee wee football. In fact, every form of football except the original—European football. Which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.”
“Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.”
Insults are another staple of Sheldon Speak and often contain both zing and wit. “I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges but if you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?” he asks Penny when she and Leonard are having a moment of intimacy.
“If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage,” Sheldon later remarks to Leonard.
“Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line,” he observes when Howard Wolowitz suggests a woman’s attractiveness was more important. “Whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity, of course, is an entirely different question.”
“Leonard’s work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing lima beans in wet paper towels.”
“You think you’re so clever. Well let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your e-mail periodically for a doozy.”
No season of The Big Bang Theory would be complete without observational comments by Sheldon Cooper regarding food, and season three is no exception.
“I notice you offer soup and a half sandwich. Where exactly does the half sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich? Or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?”
“I’m going to be dining alone this evening so I’ll be reducing my usual order. I’d like to start with one-quarter of the assorted appetizers plate and one-half of the Golden Treasure for two. Oh for Heaven’s sake. In the mid-Eighteenth Century, King Rama the Fourth of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely you, his cultural descendent, can handle pâté and dumplings.”
“Oh dear lord, they redid the menu. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties, it’s now under chicken. Why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself?”
Sheldon is also not a fan of holidays. On St. Valentine’s Day, for instance, he comments, “Given that St. Valentine was a third century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn’t a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one’s steady gal out to witness a brutal murder?”
And over the Christmas holiday, he has the following to say about the classic television specials How the Grinch Stole Christmas and Frosty the Snowman:
“I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character. And I was really with him right up to the point he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was.”
“The sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime by the way that he is never brought to account.”
In the episode “The Pants Alternative,” Sheldon is given an award from the university where he works. Not one for public speaking—as well as drinking—he nervously consumes a bottle of wine beforehand and turns into the equivalent of a high-IQ stand-up comic by the time he reaches the podium.
“Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.”
“A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender says, ‘For you? No charge.’”
“Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience. Dr. Randall from the geology department. Only man who’s happy when they take his work for granted.”
Other examples of Sheldon Speak include:
“This movie baffles me every time we watch it. The instructions are very clear. ‘Don’t feed the gremlins after midnight.’ ‘Don’t get the gremlins wet.’ How hard is that?”
“I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable and three answers came to mind—toll booth attendant, Apple Store genius and what Penny does.”
“Technically, magic beans would be food. Although eating them would be quite a waste since you could plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk which would provide enough roughage for a small city.”
“I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies or the classic ‘why are you hitting yourself?’”
“It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?”
“I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset she says ‘ack’ and eats ice cream. If you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna.”
“I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.”
While that last comment may indeed be true, Sheldon Cooper’s unique nature and chemical composition add up to something offbeat and original nonetheless.