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The Big Bang Theory Season Five: Sheldon Speak

on Mon, 10/01/2012 - 00:00

Over the course of four seasons, Sheldon Cooper of the CBS comedy The Big Bang Theory has uttered numerous memorable lines. Whether discussing the inherent problems of time travel, belittling next door neighbor Penny in regards to her mere high school-level education, comparing himself to Batman or deriding the academic achievements of fellow scientists Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz and Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon has developed a unique and humorous method of expressing himself. Season five of The Big Bang Theory is no different as Sheldon Cooper again uses a plethora of pop culture references to get his viewpoints across to those within his small social circle, with plenty of one-liners and witty put-downs thrown in for good measure.

“A few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. From time to time, I notarized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappali’s aren’t just rich, they’re Richie Rich rich—about half way between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.”

“Evil always thinks it’s doing right. ‘Excuse me, Stormtrooper—these are the droids you’re looking for.’

“I’m in the Matrix. I see everything.”

“I’m sneaking into work. Now if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.”

“Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed.”

“You have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You’re going to make him do the dishes? That’s like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.”

“I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins. Slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.”

“Because you don’t have a girlfriend? Good lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons and Dragons, this game’s in serious trouble.”

Sheldon has always applied a literal interpretation to the most ubiquitous social niceties—or, by attempting to take them at face value, often becoming confused instead.

“Am I OK? I’m on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me. All four of my wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule.”

“Strap on a pair? Of what, skates?”

“‘One for good luck.’ Must be the kind of math they do at Princeton.”

Amy Farrah Fowler: “Kiss me where I’ve never been kissed before.”
Sheldon: “You mean like Salt Lake City?”

Penny: “What is wrong with you?”
Sheldon: “Not much. Although I can be faulted for being really fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they start munching on eucalyptus I just melt inside.”

In addition to an IQ that falls well within the range of genius—and an ego to match—Sheldon Cooper likewise has an assortment of oddball ticks. When asked about his fear of birds, for instance, he replies, “It’s called ornithophobia, and someday it will be recognized as a true disability and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building. Which is unfortunate because I have a fear of nets.” Other examples of his quirky tendencies include:

“From here on in, I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind for what it does best—enlighten and amaze.”

“There’s a lot of harm in trying something new. That’s why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.”

“You’ve forgotten one thing—I am also a son of the Lone Star State. Texas, through and through. And we know how to settle scores down there. If you doubt me, ask Mexico.”

“It’s not suspicious that I’m fixating. It’s consistent with my personality.”

“If I had a death ray, I wouldn’t be living here. I’d be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.”

“You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals? As you know, lizards—cold blooded animals—lack the ability to sense temperature, but they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So lizard weathermen would say things like, ‘Bring a sweater, it’s slow outside.’”

“Leonard will be here in a moment, he’s looking for a different parking space. We were next to a car with an ‘Ask Me about My Grandchildren’ bumper sticker and I was afraid if we ran into them on the way out, I’d be obligated to do so.”

“I’m sure some fool in the Donner Party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.”

“These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. This one is for ‘one free grammar check.’ You could use it for e-mails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Oh, this is a fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center where I point out their mistakes.”

Sheldon abhors social interaction, a fact that is also intertwined within many of his comments during season five of The Big Bang Theory.

“Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that ‘no’ is a perfectly viable answer.”

“Like my daddy always said, ‘Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippant pains in the bottom.’ I took out the bad words and the hee-haw, but you get the gist.”

“I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing.”

“These rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin, how do you think I feel about theirs?”

“Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other. Now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?”

“Thank you for the invitation but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’d enjoy.”

“I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.”

Colleague Howard Wolowitz proudly considers himself an amateur magician. While Sheldon is often a fan of such parlor tricks, he apparently also has negative opinions regarding the craft. “If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy, and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than loveable rogue Nathan Fillion.”

When Howard pulls a quarter from Sheldon’s ear, meanwhile, he is met with, “Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose. It’s still there. It takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.”

Despite his resistance to meaningful relationships, Sheldon Cooper does officially become the boyfriend of neurobiologist Amy Farrah Fowler during season five of The Big Bang Theory. In many ways, Amy is the perfect partner for him as she often exhibits the same unique manner of speaking as Sheldon.

“Do you know the story of Catherine the Great?” she asks Penny after the girl-next-door sleeps with Raj Koothrappali while under the influence of alcohol. “She ruled Russia in the late 1700s and one night when she was feeling particularly randy, she used an intricate system of pulleys to have intimate relations with a horse. She engaged in interspecies hanky panky and people still call her great. I’m sure your reputation can survive shagging a little Indian boy.”

“I never went to my prom. My mom paid my cousin to take me, but he just used the money to buy drugs.”

“For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure has a thing for modern day London.”

“Parental pressure can be daunting. I remember the battle with my mother about shaving my legs. Last year I finally gave in and let her do it.”

“We can be like Marie Currie and her husband Pierre, who spent their days working side-by-side bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, that’s the love story Disney should tell.”

“I’m right in the middle of my addiction study. I’ve got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys and tomorrow’s the day we switch them to O’Doul’s.”

In the fifth season finale of The Big Bang Theory, Howard Wolowitz marries his girlfriend Bernadette Rostenkowski. As part of the festivities, Sheldon Cooper makes a toast at Howard’s bachelor party. “The need to find another human being to share one’s life with has always puzzled me,” he begins. “Maybe because I’m so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own.”

Fans of The Big Bang Theory, meanwhile, have already found their own level of happiness thanks to the uniqueness of Sheldon Cooper—both on his own and within the company of others.

Anthony Letizia

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